Still don't know

I was really hoping that I would have a great dream last night that would tell me what I needed to do. I did have some dreams and I woke up after everyone of them but none really helped. He was in one of them but I don't really remember it. Although I do remember it not being very clear.

I'm currently watching "16 and Pregnant" on MTV. It so makes me want a baby. And seeing what a crap father the guy on the show is just reminds me of how great a father Michael would be. The really weird thing is that a few months I was really ok if I never had kids and now I want them. But I think part of that maybe just being alone now. On one hand this isn't as hard as my breakup with Paul but on the other hand is totally worse.

I just don't know

Michael and I have continued the breaking up and making up. Right now we're broken up and he said it's for real this time, but that's not the first time he's said that. I still just don't know. Is he Mr. Right? No. But will I ever really find Mr. Right? And if I do find him will he want me? I think the main reason I want to be with Michael is the fact that I don't want to be alone and I don't think Mr. Right would want me the way I am. Michael is such a positive person and I'm sure that would rub off on me and he could help me but I just don't know. I really don't like my life at the moment and the way it's going. And I just don't think I'm strong enough to change. I'm so afraid that I will be stuck for the rest of my life. I know part of it may just be the fact of the breakup and once I'm over it I might feel different but again, I just don't know. Michael really loved me. He could have other girls that are way prettier than me and make way more money then me but he wanted me. I guess I'm also afraid that he wanted me because I would put up with his crap and he's afraid these other woman wouldn't. Should I be with someone who's with me because of that??? I guess right now it's not up to me and I shouldn't even be thinking that. I'm not going to contact him but maybe if he contacts me I will get back together with him. I really wish I had more self-esteem. :(