Life???

Well, it's officially been over a week since the abortion and it seems like I should feel different. It seems like I should feel bad. I've only cried twice since then and once it was because I feel like my life is falling apart and the second time because I felt bad for hurting Michael. He really wants kids now. I know that I made the right decision and that's why I'm OK but it seems like I should feel worse. Don't most other woman feel really bad for weeks???

Speaking of Michael we've gone back and forth about being together and getting married and not. His point for getting married is that we both have pretty much the same idea of what we want from the rest of our life and that we know that we can work through our problems. Those are two very good points but I just don't know. Do I think I can find someone who I connect with more or have more in common with? Yes, but will we be able to work on our problems the way Michael and I do? I have no idea. I just don't know what to do. :(

Sunday night I went and had dinner with Paul and his mom. It was kinda nice, I almost missed doing stuff like that. I would have to say that I like Paul's family way more then I do Michael's. After dinner we went to Paul's apartment and I stayed the night. I finally met his friend/roommate Lynn and there is no way I could ever be friends with her. Not that I'm the smartest person in the world but she's kinda an idiot. Paul and I cuddled in bed but there wasn't really anything there. The next morning he got in the shower with me and again, nothing really there. He tried rubbing my back and kissing on me but it wasn't really doing anything for me. Then we went to his friend's house for a BBQ and I don't know why I said yes in the first place. I was there for like two hours and hated it. I didn't know anyone there and I hate crowds of people I don't know. I'm too anti-social to do stuff like that. And what's so weird is that I don't want Paul at all but I don't like the fact that he wants other girls. I must be needy or something like that. I think that's why I stayed with both him and Michael for so long.