Still don't know

I was really hoping that I would have a great dream last night that would tell me what I needed to do. I did have some dreams and I woke up after everyone of them but none really helped. He was in one of them but I don't really remember it. Although I do remember it not being very clear.

I'm currently watching "16 and Pregnant" on MTV. It so makes me want a baby. And seeing what a crap father the guy on the show is just reminds me of how great a father Michael would be. The really weird thing is that a few months I was really ok if I never had kids and now I want them. But I think part of that maybe just being alone now. On one hand this isn't as hard as my breakup with Paul but on the other hand is totally worse.

I just don't know

Michael and I have continued the breaking up and making up. Right now we're broken up and he said it's for real this time, but that's not the first time he's said that. I still just don't know. Is he Mr. Right? No. But will I ever really find Mr. Right? And if I do find him will he want me? I think the main reason I want to be with Michael is the fact that I don't want to be alone and I don't think Mr. Right would want me the way I am. Michael is such a positive person and I'm sure that would rub off on me and he could help me but I just don't know. I really don't like my life at the moment and the way it's going. And I just don't think I'm strong enough to change. I'm so afraid that I will be stuck for the rest of my life. I know part of it may just be the fact of the breakup and once I'm over it I might feel different but again, I just don't know. Michael really loved me. He could have other girls that are way prettier than me and make way more money then me but he wanted me. I guess I'm also afraid that he wanted me because I would put up with his crap and he's afraid these other woman wouldn't. Should I be with someone who's with me because of that??? I guess right now it's not up to me and I shouldn't even be thinking that. I'm not going to contact him but maybe if he contacts me I will get back together with him. I really wish I had more self-esteem. :(

Life???

Well, it's officially been over a week since the abortion and it seems like I should feel different. It seems like I should feel bad. I've only cried twice since then and once it was because I feel like my life is falling apart and the second time because I felt bad for hurting Michael. He really wants kids now. I know that I made the right decision and that's why I'm OK but it seems like I should feel worse. Don't most other woman feel really bad for weeks???

Speaking of Michael we've gone back and forth about being together and getting married and not. His point for getting married is that we both have pretty much the same idea of what we want from the rest of our life and that we know that we can work through our problems. Those are two very good points but I just don't know. Do I think I can find someone who I connect with more or have more in common with? Yes, but will we be able to work on our problems the way Michael and I do? I have no idea. I just don't know what to do. :(

Sunday night I went and had dinner with Paul and his mom. It was kinda nice, I almost missed doing stuff like that. I would have to say that I like Paul's family way more then I do Michael's. After dinner we went to Paul's apartment and I stayed the night. I finally met his friend/roommate Lynn and there is no way I could ever be friends with her. Not that I'm the smartest person in the world but she's kinda an idiot. Paul and I cuddled in bed but there wasn't really anything there. The next morning he got in the shower with me and again, nothing really there. He tried rubbing my back and kissing on me but it wasn't really doing anything for me. Then we went to his friend's house for a BBQ and I don't know why I said yes in the first place. I was there for like two hours and hated it. I didn't know anyone there and I hate crowds of people I don't know. I'm too anti-social to do stuff like that. And what's so weird is that I don't want Paul at all but I don't like the fact that he wants other girls. I must be needy or something like that. I think that's why I stayed with both him and Michael for so long.

Abortion

I had an abortion today. I'm not going to go into the details about why I made the decision or the facts about getting pregrant because those don't really matter. It was the right dicision for me and that's all that matters. I just want to talk about today. I had to take the bus since you're not supposed to drive yourself home and I didn't have anyone to take me. The bus ride wasn't too bad and I only almost cried once on the way. My appointment was at 10am but I got there at 9:30. The waiting room was small and there were only a few other people there. It was probably there for about half an hour before they called me back, but all they did was take my payment, give me some paperwork and then put a braclet on me. When I went back into the waiting room I felt like a marked woman with the braclet on and even turned over my paperwork after I finished reading it so people wouldn't know what it was about. Then I turned it back over, I felt like I owed it every woman out there to not be ashamed about it. Soon after that the room became alot fuller and alot of girls went back and came out with a braclet on. That's when I realized that most of the girls there were there for the same reason. At first I was a little upset and that thought it wasn't fair because I was the only one there by myself, but soon there were a few other woman by themselves and I felt a little better. I kinda wanted to talk to some of them but was afraid they didn't want to talk so I didn't. A little while later they called me back for the ultrasound. The woman was very nice and even called me hunny. She said I was six weeks and 1 day and gave me a printout of the sonagram. They give you the choice if you want to have one and I'm not really sure why but I did want it. Then I had to go back out to the waiting room, which by now was completely packed. Then I got called back again for the consulating portion. The woman (again very nice) told me what was going to happen and the risks and side effects and had me sign some forms. Then I went back to the waiting room. I got called back again for them to take my blood pressure, check my blood and give me pain medicine. Then back to the waiting room. I was called back for what I thought was going to be the last time but they just gave me some valium and sent me back to the waiting room. Then I was finally called back for the last time. I stripped from the waist down and got on the table. The valium had really kicked in by that point and I was really loopy. The doctor started to preform the procedure and it was a little painful but nothing too unbarable. I really thought it would be mentally harder but I think the valium really helped with that. When he finished I got dressed (which was a little difficult due to the valium) and went into the recovery room. I sat in a recliner and they gave me soda and cookies. I really wasn't feeling any pain and I started talking to the other girl in the room about why she had it done. I know I would not have said anything if it weren't for the valium. After about ten minutes they had me check to see how much I was bleeding and then gave me my bag with some medicine and birth control pills to help start my next period and sent me on my way. I kinda thought it was a very short time in the recovery room but I was totally ok and with the number of girls there I knew they would be needing the space soon. My friend April came and picked me up and took me to sonic to get something to eat. Once I got home I went straight to bed and slept for about four hours. I really feel ok, and it kinda feels like I shouldn't feel this way. Sometimes I think, wow, did I really have that done today? But I know I did and now I'm going to focus on getting my life the way I want it to be, making it truely my Red year. I'm not supposed to do any hard activites so I can't start jogging about for two weeks but I'm gonna start walking. Here is my list of things I want to get done:

• start jogging again


• start a weight training program


• buy a house


• get back to following a budget