Abortion

I had an abortion today. I'm not going to go into the details about why I made the decision or the facts about getting pregrant because those don't really matter. It was the right dicision for me and that's all that matters. I just want to talk about today. I had to take the bus since you're not supposed to drive yourself home and I didn't have anyone to take me. The bus ride wasn't too bad and I only almost cried once on the way. My appointment was at 10am but I got there at 9:30. The waiting room was small and there were only a few other people there. It was probably there for about half an hour before they called me back, but all they did was take my payment, give me some paperwork and then put a braclet on me. When I went back into the waiting room I felt like a marked woman with the braclet on and even turned over my paperwork after I finished reading it so people wouldn't know what it was about. Then I turned it back over, I felt like I owed it every woman out there to not be ashamed about it. Soon after that the room became alot fuller and alot of girls went back and came out with a braclet on. That's when I realized that most of the girls there were there for the same reason. At first I was a little upset and that thought it wasn't fair because I was the only one there by myself, but soon there were a few other woman by themselves and I felt a little better. I kinda wanted to talk to some of them but was afraid they didn't want to talk so I didn't. A little while later they called me back for the ultrasound. The woman was very nice and even called me hunny. She said I was six weeks and 1 day and gave me a printout of the sonagram. They give you the choice if you want to have one and I'm not really sure why but I did want it. Then I had to go back out to the waiting room, which by now was completely packed. Then I got called back again for the consulating portion. The woman (again very nice) told me what was going to happen and the risks and side effects and had me sign some forms. Then I went back to the waiting room. I got called back again for them to take my blood pressure, check my blood and give me pain medicine. Then back to the waiting room. I was called back for what I thought was going to be the last time but they just gave me some valium and sent me back to the waiting room. Then I was finally called back for the last time. I stripped from the waist down and got on the table. The valium had really kicked in by that point and I was really loopy. The doctor started to preform the procedure and it was a little painful but nothing too unbarable. I really thought it would be mentally harder but I think the valium really helped with that. When he finished I got dressed (which was a little difficult due to the valium) and went into the recovery room. I sat in a recliner and they gave me soda and cookies. I really wasn't feeling any pain and I started talking to the other girl in the room about why she had it done. I know I would not have said anything if it weren't for the valium. After about ten minutes they had me check to see how much I was bleeding and then gave me my bag with some medicine and birth control pills to help start my next period and sent me on my way. I kinda thought it was a very short time in the recovery room but I was totally ok and with the number of girls there I knew they would be needing the space soon. My friend April came and picked me up and took me to sonic to get something to eat. Once I got home I went straight to bed and slept for about four hours. I really feel ok, and it kinda feels like I shouldn't feel this way. Sometimes I think, wow, did I really have that done today? But I know I did and now I'm going to focus on getting my life the way I want it to be, making it truely my Red year. I'm not supposed to do any hard activites so I can't start jogging about for two weeks but I'm gonna start walking. Here is my list of things I want to get done:

• start jogging again


• start a weight training program


• buy a house


• get back to following a budget

Updates

Exercise: I've starting jogging with my friend April and her husband. We've been taking it kinda slow but I'm ok with that. We've doing each week twice instead of just once. But I should still be about to the 5k in Feb like I want to. I've kinda cut back on the bike riding and my 8 minutes in the morning, but I will get back to them next week!

Boys: Like the last post states I've done with him. I've also hidden my profile on plentyoffish for the moment. I think I need to give myself a little more time before I try again.

Friends: Still talking to Lori, Amanda, and Eileen.

Me: I kinda feel like either I've undone everything I did in the past five months or that they just don't mean anything anymore. But maybe that's just cause of having a bad weekend or knowing that I still have lots to work on. Either way I think that feeling is going to change this coming up weekend.

Puzzles: I finally got a frame for my puzzle, but I don't have any place to hang it. I'm gonna wait til at least December to start on the next one.

Volunteering: I haven't been to the SPCA in three weeks, just haven't really felt like it. I'm on vacation this coming up Thursday til next Wednesday so I might not go this week either, but I will be back the following week.

I am ready

I think I'm ready to try to start dating again. I've put my profile back up on plenty of fish and this time the description is alot more detailed and I really think it will do me more good. I think it shows off the type of person I am a little better than before. And I know it shows more of the person I want to be, because I am more of the person I want to be. I don't know if it was because of the breakup or age or what but I really seem to be getting my stuff together, and it only took 25 years, lol. I finally am doing something I can be really proud of, I've lost 18 lbs by really trying to lose weight, not by something in my life changing which results in it. Sometimes it really doesn't seem like what I've done is a big deal, I look the same to me in the mirror and there are people out there who have lost over 100lbs versus my little 18. But typing out 18 and really thinking about it, I've just realized how great that really is. I can also tell when I look at pictures, I just can't believe that 18lbs would really make me look smaller, but it does! And when I get to my goal of 125lbs I will have lost almost 30lbs!!! The closer I get to it the more excited I get and the more I want to work at losing them.

It's time for me!!!

It's time to work on me. It's been three and a half months since Paul and I broke up and while I have worked on a few things I'm nowhere close to where I want to be. I've lost about 15lbs since then but I'd like to lose about 15 more, and I think I can do it. I'm doing pretty good on my eating and I'm trying with my exercising. I've started doing the "8 Minutes In the Morning" strength training and so far I've been doing pretty good with it. It's not the same boring 20 minutes 3x a week, so I think I can keep up with it. Then there's my jogging, I would like to be able to do the Gasparilla 5k in Feb. I started the training going pretty good but have been kinda lacks lately. I think part of the problems is trying to jog when the weather is so warm, so I'm gonna try to do more later in the evening.

The next thing I want to work on is volunteering more. My friend April and I are going to start doing Habitat for Humanity on Sat mornings from 8-12 and tonight I'm going to a volunteer information session with the local SPCA. I've been reading a book on Buddhism and part of what I've really liked in the reading is the importance of giving to others, including animals. I've always felt you should help others and have done volunteer work before but nothing in a long time. I really feel that once I start doing these things I will start to feel better and better things will happen to me. I also plan on giving $20/month to charity. Again something I've done before but haven't in a long time. Last month I gave to AIDS Walk St. Pete because the boyfriend of Taylor from the Podcast, "Pod is My Copilot" was trying to raise money for it. I think I'm gonna start asking Podcasts that I listen to choose the charity and challenge their other listeners to donation also. I don't know if that will actually get other people to donate money but it might.