ICUP

I went and saw my dad tonight with my sister and it did not go very well. When I got there he must have just went to the bathroom in his bed and my step-mom ended up changing his sheets and cleaning him up. She was in a bad mood and left soon after I got there. I tried talking to him a little but he kinda went in and out of falling asleep and then he would sit up then lay down, sit up then lay down. He really seemed the same way my Grandfather was the last few years of his life. He also physically did not look very well. He had lost weight and I'm not sure if it's because I know how he's lost it or just that he does look different then he would if he had lost it the normal way. And the worst part came at the end, he pulled out his penis and peed on himself like it was normal. When he was done he didn't seem the least bit bothered that he was lying in his own pee. I couldn't handle it after that. I told the nurses he's sheets needed to be changed and went downstairs to watch my niece so my sister could see him. She didn't stay up there very long either. It was very hard for the both of us to see him like that. Alot harder then I thought it would be. I thought I would be alright as long as he still knew my name but I'm not so sure anymore. :(

I've officially made it half

I've officially made it half the month without soda or beef, go me!
- R

December challenge

Still going good. I kinda wanted a soda a few days ago but it was very easy to say no. And the no beef thing has been really easy also. They actually haven't been serving much beef at work anyways and I rarely cook any at home. So I'm pretty much half-way through the month and I'm pretty proud of myself so far.

Red

I finally bought some red stuff for my room today. I got a red fleece blanket to put on my bed and some red stones to put in a little glass dish on my dresser. I really like it and can't wait to get my own place so I can do more with red! :)

Stupid boy

Well Paul contacted me on Friday. He sent me a text saying hi and I deleted it but then he texted me again and I responded. He said that he missed me and I sent him the "I don't respect you" speech I had come up with. He wanted to know what actions and what lies so we started texting about what I had issues with and of course he had something to come back with on everything. He finally stopped texting at one point, but then I started to miss him. So Saturday morning I texted him and we started going back and forth a little more. And we did the same thing today. He said at one point that I may be what he wanted and tried to convince him I wasn't. I really want him to realize that. I know he is just lonely and that's why he's contacting me but I don't think he sees it this way. I just don't know what to do, I really wish he would respect my wishes and never contact me again and move on with his life. And the worst part is that being in contact with him has made me kinda want to get back together with him. I don't know what it is, he is totally my kryptonite. I know I wouldn't be happy with him but there is just something about him that makes me want him. But I don't think it has completely set me back. I'm still ok with being single and working on myself. And I'm sure after a few days I'll stop thinking about us again. But the good thing is I haven't been angry at him at all for a few days.

December challenge

Going good so far, not a sip of soda for a week, plus I have decided to add beef to my December challenge. I'm not saying for sure but I think I might eventually try to cut out all meat, but that is going to take awhile.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I realized today that I don't really have much respect for my ex. And I think I never really had much to begin with, but I really don't have much now. I know this must sound a little selfish of me but I kinda want him to try to contact me or something like that so I can say the following to him: "Paul, because of your actions and all the lies you have told I have very little respect for you. I wish you no ill will but I wish to never have you in my life again." I'm in the angry stage right now, angry at him and at myself for letting him do that to me for so long. But that's getting better. I am noticing it's getting better each day.

Another person who I don't have much respect for is my mother. I know it's a sad thing but I don't. There are some many things that she does that just makes me lose respect for her. Now I don't hate my mother and I wish I could respect her more then I do but I just can't. There are a number of reasons why but I don't really feel like going into them tonight, but I think I should soon.