Top ten of 2008

10. Getting down to a size 8
9. Remember I really enjoy being outside
8. The few hours in NYC
7. Great podcasts
6. Having a decent amount in savings
5. Quitting eating meat
4. Getting over Paul
3. Jogging
2. Hanging out with April again
1. Getting closer to the me I want to be

I FUCKING DID IT!!!

I jogged for 20 minutes straight without stopping. I really did want to stop at quite a few different points but never did. I almost can't believe I did it, I mean the longest I've jogged so far without stopping was 8 minutes. I will so be able to do that 5k at the end of Feb, I am so excited!!! Another thing I'm excited about is Big Love coming back finally. I think it's been over a year since the end of last season, but HBO tends to do that sometimes. The bad thing about that is I should be in my new apartment by then and I won't have HBO. But hopefully it will come on during a time that my mom doesn't have two things already recording and she can record it for me.

My sister Shaina called me this morning asking if I wanted to go to Wal-Mart with her and the kids. I went and then I played with them outside and we had grilled cheese sandwiches under the tree and we finally made ornaments. Niccoma wasn't as into it as I was hoping he would be that's ok. I think it will be better next year. At first Nala didn't really want to get her fingers in the glue but after my sister came over and started helping her she was better. They are drying now and I'll finish them up either Tuesday or Wednesday. Then Momma bought us Chinese for dinner. It was kinda tempting to try a chicken wing or have some won ton soup, but I held back and just ate my steamed vegetables and rice. It was still a good supper. I was also tempted to have some soda earlier in the day but that didn't last very long.

Jogging and Indian food

So yesterday after work I went and looked for more apartments for rent with April, wrote down a few numbers that I'll call today. Some looked really cute from the outside but none had how much the rent is so I get to find all that out today. Then we went jogging and it wasn't bad. We did an 8 minute jog then walked 5 minutes then jogged another 8. That was the longest we've jogged so far. For our third run for the week which we'll probably do Sunday we're supposed to try to jog for 20 minutes straight. I'm not 100% sure I'm gonna be able to do it but I'm gonna try. And I'm ok if I don't do it, I know I could do at least 10 so if I do that I think I'll be happy.

Then we went to an Indian restaurant and it was really good. I had some mango drink which was really good, then we got an appetizer with some fried potato thing, fried onion (we think, lol) and some chicken things. I had actually not had any meat since Wednesday at lunch but I did have one of the chicken things, but no beef! But I shared an entree with April which of course didn't have any meat in it since she doesn't eat meat and it was really good. I really shouldn't have gone since I didn't really have the money in my budget for it but I really wanted to try Indian food and hang out with April and Philip more. I know I'm under for stuff like gas so I'll be ok and if I don't need to buy anything else for the month I should be ok in my personal money too. The month is also 3/4 over and not drinking soda or having beef has been really easy. I really haven't had the desire for a soda and I've had the desire for steak once when my mom made herself one but that was only when I smelled it and that didn't last too long. I'm not 100% sure if I'm going to completely cut out meat one day but I'm toying with the idea.

ICUP

I went and saw my dad tonight with my sister and it did not go very well. When I got there he must have just went to the bathroom in his bed and my step-mom ended up changing his sheets and cleaning him up. She was in a bad mood and left soon after I got there. I tried talking to him a little but he kinda went in and out of falling asleep and then he would sit up then lay down, sit up then lay down. He really seemed the same way my Grandfather was the last few years of his life. He also physically did not look very well. He had lost weight and I'm not sure if it's because I know how he's lost it or just that he does look different then he would if he had lost it the normal way. And the worst part came at the end, he pulled out his penis and peed on himself like it was normal. When he was done he didn't seem the least bit bothered that he was lying in his own pee. I couldn't handle it after that. I told the nurses he's sheets needed to be changed and went downstairs to watch my niece so my sister could see him. She didn't stay up there very long either. It was very hard for the both of us to see him like that. Alot harder then I thought it would be. I thought I would be alright as long as he still knew my name but I'm not so sure anymore. :(

I've officially made it half

I've officially made it half the month without soda or beef, go me!
- R

December challenge

Still going good. I kinda wanted a soda a few days ago but it was very easy to say no. And the no beef thing has been really easy also. They actually haven't been serving much beef at work anyways and I rarely cook any at home. So I'm pretty much half-way through the month and I'm pretty proud of myself so far.

Red

I finally bought some red stuff for my room today. I got a red fleece blanket to put on my bed and some red stones to put in a little glass dish on my dresser. I really like it and can't wait to get my own place so I can do more with red! :)

Stupid boy

Well Paul contacted me on Friday. He sent me a text saying hi and I deleted it but then he texted me again and I responded. He said that he missed me and I sent him the "I don't respect you" speech I had come up with. He wanted to know what actions and what lies so we started texting about what I had issues with and of course he had something to come back with on everything. He finally stopped texting at one point, but then I started to miss him. So Saturday morning I texted him and we started going back and forth a little more. And we did the same thing today. He said at one point that I may be what he wanted and tried to convince him I wasn't. I really want him to realize that. I know he is just lonely and that's why he's contacting me but I don't think he sees it this way. I just don't know what to do, I really wish he would respect my wishes and never contact me again and move on with his life. And the worst part is that being in contact with him has made me kinda want to get back together with him. I don't know what it is, he is totally my kryptonite. I know I wouldn't be happy with him but there is just something about him that makes me want him. But I don't think it has completely set me back. I'm still ok with being single and working on myself. And I'm sure after a few days I'll stop thinking about us again. But the good thing is I haven't been angry at him at all for a few days.

December challenge

Going good so far, not a sip of soda for a week, plus I have decided to add beef to my December challenge. I'm not saying for sure but I think I might eventually try to cut out all meat, but that is going to take awhile.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I realized today that I don't really have much respect for my ex. And I think I never really had much to begin with, but I really don't have much now. I know this must sound a little selfish of me but I kinda want him to try to contact me or something like that so I can say the following to him: "Paul, because of your actions and all the lies you have told I have very little respect for you. I wish you no ill will but I wish to never have you in my life again." I'm in the angry stage right now, angry at him and at myself for letting him do that to me for so long. But that's getting better. I am noticing it's getting better each day.

Another person who I don't have much respect for is my mother. I know it's a sad thing but I don't. There are some many things that she does that just makes me lose respect for her. Now I don't hate my mother and I wish I could respect her more then I do but I just can't. There are a number of reasons why but I don't really feel like going into them tonight, but I think I should soon.

Yeah Daddy

I went and saw my dad today. Like I've mentioned before I was really afraid he wasn't going to remember me but he did! :D Although they aren't sedating him anymore he seems to be sleeping most of the time and when he's not sleeping he doesn't quite seem to be totally awake. When I got to the hospital my step-mom tried to get him to look at me and asked him who I was, at first he said he didn't know but it looked like he barely opened his eyes so I don't really think he actually saw me. But after a while he really opened his eyes and looked at me and said that I was Rachel, I almost started to cry. I stayed for about an hour and a half til the nurses did a shift change and we had to leave. When I was leaving I told him I loved him and that I'd see him again soon and he told me he loved me too, I almost started to cry again. It was really weird seeing him like that and I know it's going to be long road to recovery but things good for him and I'm hopeful.

Clean, clean, clean, plus December challenge

I cleaned like a madwoman today. I cleaned my room, my car and the kitchen. I probably could have cleaned a little more but I'm so tired. I really feel alot better now that my room is clean. There was so much stuff on the other bed and with that stuff gone through and put away the room looks bigger. I've been trying to think about what to do with my books since I don't have room for my book shelve and I finally figured it out. I made two stacks on my dresser, with the biggest at the bottom, of course. They actually look really nice there.

I've decided to give myself a challenge for December. I'm not going to have any soda for the whole month. If Walt can go a year without it, I can go 31 days. But I haven't decided on my reward. Clothes would be pointless because I'm spending my bonus check on that once I reach my goal weight, 5lbs to go, and the only "big" idea that I really want is the Kindle from Amazon.com, but it's almost $400 with tax and I'm not sure if I'm ok with spending that much money on it. Maybe I can find something else, something cheaper to reward myself.

Thanksgiving sucked!

I ate by myself this year. My mom cooked but as soon as she was done she took a plate to her mother who lives in a nursing home, and I was starving so I ate in my room alone. I'm not a very big holiday person but that did kinda suck. But I did get a good walk in and cleaned my room some. My sister and brother-in-law came over at around 7 with my niece and nephew. They ate and I played with the kids some and they left around 8:30. That was my whole Thanksgiving. It really made me miss being with ex, not him really, but his family. He has a pretty big family and holidays are a big deal to them. But I have no desire to be with him at all. The more I think about him the more I realize the mental problems he must have when it comes to relationships. I really don't think he wanted to be with me, just someone that he could settle down with, have kids, have them be apart of his family. That really hurts to think about that, but then again I think I was the same way a little bit. But I don't regret the relationship in the slightest bit, I have learned some much from it.

I have taken my profile off the dating website I was using, I don't really think I'm ready to find that person yet. I still have things about myself that I need to work on. I told mustanger2001 to stop contacting me, he starting pulling this, "this really sucks, I really liked you, blah blah blah." He was a little too mental for me, and I did meet this other guy named Mike. He was cool and smart and sweet but there just wasn't a spark. I was supposed to go over to his house yesterday and plant some trees with him but I started watching a show on the History channel about Abe Lincoln's assassination and didn't want to stop watching it to go over there. Sad I know, but I guess if it's just not there it's just not there. The planting trees thing was really cute, he told me the other day how he was cutting down one of the trees in his yard and I asked if he planted three more somewhere else and he said no, but that he'd buy some and we could plant them. I thought that was really cute of him and would have been an awesome story if we ever got together, but that's not gonna happen.

Friday started off good, I got more cleaning done and then was in the mood to shop so I called my sister. She said she was just getting the kids fed and to come on over. It was another hour before we left her house, almost the whole time I was sitting there thinking how much cleaning I could be getting done at home while waiting for them. Then we were off and our first stop was Linen N Things. I was done in about 20 minutes, got a cover for my flat iron and some lint rollers, but my sister was looking around for about an hour! Finally at one point I said I was checking out then going over to Target. Target was a total bust, I tried on a whole bunch of clothes and didn't like any of them. The only good thing that came out was that I found out I wear a size 8 now, that is so crazy! I really need new work clothes but haven't really been in the mood to go shopping.

Nine Words Women Use

I don't normally get alot of these and when I do I normally just have a little giggle then delete them, but this is a little truer then most of them and I think guys could learn from this.


NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint.. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Motorcycles suck

My dad recked his motorcycle yesterday and he's in the hospital. According to what his buddy said, he was going around a curve and hit some gravel, flipped a few times and then was thrown from the bike. He broke a few bones in his face and has some bleeding on the brain, but nothing from the neck down. They are keeping him sedated for a few more days to help with the healing. When they lessen the drugs he is able to move the rest of his body so that's a good thing. Now it's just a waiting game. They are monitoring the swelling and won't know about any permanent damage for a while.

Now I tend to handle these types of things really well and have been doing ok. Yesterday I left work and went to the hospital. We only got to see him twice for a few minutes each time. It was really weird. He was completely sedated and his hands were really cold, my dad's hands are never cold. I didn't go over there today, I ended up working ten hours and I think I'm getting sick, plus there really isn't anything I can do for him. I'll go sometime in the next few days.

I'm not worried that he's gonna die, and I'm not freaked out that I may have a father that has some issues (new issues I should say, like most of us he already had some, lol) but I'm really scared he's not gonna remember who I am. The doctors haven't said a word about what type of damage he might have so I don't have much basis on that, but I guess in my mind that would be the worse.

How to push a girl away aka stupid boys

A real IM conversation I had Monday night. He then sends me another message tuesday when I'm offline asking if I like hanging out and talking to him. I replied yes, but that this convo really put me off, gave him a little advice and told him good luck. I just wonder what he's reply to that with.


mustanger2001: hey u there?
mspink_infinity: yes I am
mspink_infinity: nice and almost toasty
mustanger2001: are you still wanting to get together friday night or no
mustanger2001: im glad ur toasty
mspink_infinity: yes and I'm only almost toasty, not quite all the way
mustanger2001: yes? and y almost toasty
mspink_infinity: yes to friday
mustanger2001: ok good
mspink_infinity: and it's still a little cold in my room
mustanger2001: ohh ok
mustanger2001: r u able to drink milk?
mspink_infinity: yes
mspink_infinity: why?
mustanger2001: im not and i had a bowl of cherrios with milk and ohh boy am i feeling it
mspink_infinity: lol, silly, why did you do that?
mustanger2001: i like my cerials
mustanger2001: cereals
mspink_infinity: why not use soy milk for it then
mustanger2001: im lactose intolerant
mustanger2001: i dont like soy milk
mspink_infinity: have you tried only one brand?
mustanger2001: yeah a long time ago and i didnt like it
mspink_infinity: you should try it again, and make sure you try a vanilla flavored one, they have improved things and different brands do taste different
mustanger2001: if i do anythang that you dont like tell me don hold it back
mustanger2001: ok i will do that
mspink_infinity: ok
mspink_infinity: when you tried it, did you try drinking it or just using it in cereal?
mustanger2001: cereal
mspink_infinity: I don't think I could drink it like milk but I'm fine with using it in cereal
mustanger2001: i felt bad earlier
mspink_infinity: it's ok
mustanger2001: i wished it was warmer out side and we couldve sat on a bench and talked a lil or something
mustanger2001: what are your two fav colors
mspink_infinity: red and black
mustanger2001: are you shittin me
mspink_infinity: no, why?
mustanger2001: those are mine
mustanger2001: whats your fav movis of all time
mustanger2001: movies*
mspink_infinity: American Beauty
mustanger2001: ok ok i gotcha
mustanger2001: milk or dark chocalate
mspink_infinity: sometimes depends on what it is, but overall dark
mustanger2001: nice
mustanger2001: lets see what else
mustanger2001: fav food
mspink_infinity: chicken
mustanger2001: i thought you preferred red meat
mspink_infinity: I said I'm really loving steak right now
mspink_infinity: but I still say chicken is my fav
mustanger2001: and i also mean like italian , mexican , cuban, ...
mustanger2001: ohh ok im sorry
mspink_infinity: any of those, in chicken, lol
mspink_infinity: probably italian, I love cheese
mustanger2001: i love mexican even though im italian
mustanger2001: how many people have you been with?
mspink_infinity: I don't know the exact number right off the top of my head but it's a little over 20, I think
mspink_infinity: or maybe just a little under 20
mustanger2001: how many have you slept with or done thangs with
mspink_infinity: those are people i've slept with, and I've probably only done things with maybe a few other people
mustanger2001: wow ok
mspink_infinity: wow?
mustanger2001: i dont mean it like that
mspink_infinity: then what did you mean?
mustanger2001: what i mean is open mouth insert foot on me
mspink_infinity: yeah
mustanger2001: now u think im an ass dont you
mspink_infinity: not quite, lol
mspink_infinity: it could have been a worse comment
mustanger2001: im not trying to be mean im sorry
mspink_infinity: it's ok
mustanger2001: how many other guys are you talking to at this point in time from the site pof.com
mspink_infinity: 1
mustanger2001: does he live in lakeland as well
mspink_infinity: no
mustanger2001: ohh ok
mustanger2001: i mean are you looking for a relationship
mustanger2001: or just gonna have fun
mspink_infinity: I don't really know, my ex and I got really close to getting back together but didn't, and that only happen a little over a week ago
mspink_infinity: so I'm still kinda dealing with that, right now I'm just talking to and hanging out with people
mustanger2001: ohh ok
mspink_infinity: if it turns into something with someone then great, if it doesn't I'm ok with that
mspink_infinity: I'm just taking things really slow and not stressing about anything
mustanger2001: well let me ask you this with what you know of me would i be the type of person you would have a relationship with
mustanger2001: tell the truth
mspink_infinity: I don't really know yet, I don't want to jump to any conclusions about you so early
mspink_infinity: I barely know you
mustanger2001: ok sounds fair
mustanger2001: are you a cheater
mspink_infinity: no
mspink_infinity: and not that I'm lying but do you really think someone would admit to that right away?
mustanger2001: dont know but i always ask that
mspink_infinity: has anyone ever told you yes?
mustanger2001: yea a few in the past
mspink_infinity: wow
mspink_infinity: that's cool that they admitted though
mustanger2001: i dont put up with head games thats why im straight forward
mspink_infinity: ok
mustanger2001: i dont touch any one with out permission and both parties consent
mustanger2001: like saturday night when we hugged
mspink_infinity: did you ask a girl if you can kiss her?
mustanger2001: yes i do
mspink_infinity: lol
mustanger2001: y u laugh at me
mspink_infinity: I think that' skinda funny
mustanger2001: i told you im pure of heart
mustanger2001: its called respect
mustanger2001: come on your southern you know
mspink_infinity: I understand wanting to respect someone but with something like that I sometimes think it's funny
mustanger2001: im just woundering how soft your skin is
mspink_infinity: it puts the lotion on its skin
mspink_infinity: lol
mustanger2001: i mean you have a beautiful smile and a great deeanor
mustanger2001: demeanor
mspink_infinity: thank you
mustanger2001: if you and ur ex get back together i wish you the best of luck and happiness
mspink_infinity: we're not getting back together
mspink_infinity: we haven't had any contact since last tuesday and I've told him to never contact me again
mspink_infinity: and even if I wanted to my friends and family would not let me get back together with him
mustanger2001: i was just saying
mustanger2001: i dont want to upset you
mspink_infinity: you don't even have to mention me getting together with anyone
mustanger2001: huh ?
mspink_infinity: I'm just saying you don't have to mention it, and you shouldn't worry about it
mustanger2001: im not worrying about it
mustanger2001: to each there own
mustanger2001: all im saying and you know im up front with you is that i do like you alot and i would like to know alot more about you
mspink_infinity: then get to know me, not tell me you wish me luck with get back together with my ex
mustanger2001: im trying to get to know you
mspink_infinity: ok
mustanger2001: so were do you see ur self in three years
mspink_infinity: i really have no idea
mustanger2001: do u live day 2 day or you look in the future so you know what you have to do today
mspink_infinity: I always look to the future, but right now I'm just not sure what's going to happen in my life or if I'm going to make any major chances soon
mustanger2001: ok
mustanger2001: do you want a family
mspink_infinity: a part of me does and a part of me doesn't
mspink_infinity: I'm sure it would depend on who I ended up with if I did have kids or not
mustanger2001: are you able to have kids?
mspink_infinity: I assume I am
mustanger2001: well ok
mustanger2001: im sorry if im prying
mspink_infinity: it's ok
mspink_infinity: I have no reason to believe I can't but I've never been pregnant so I can't say for sure that I can
mustanger2001: im not gonna lie and i would never lie to you but i do find you very attractive and i am attracted to you alot you are very very beautiful and very intelligent
mspink_infinity: is that a round about way of saying you want to have kids with me? lol
mustanger2001: lol
mustanger2001: no thats not what i meant just read it again
mspink_infinity: I know, but if you look at it, you ask if I could have kids, then you say you're attracted to me, then you say I'm intelligent
mustanger2001: im just saying in a nice and complimentitive way that i really like you
mspink_infinity: I get that, I was trying to be funny
mustanger2001: ohh ok
mustanger2001: im a dumbass
mustanger2001: the only thang i dont like about you
mustanger2001: is that your not a big car buff but thats ok we can work with that
mspink_infinity: lol
mustanger2001: how do you feel about me ?
mustanger2001: not sure
mustanger2001: feel is the wrong word
mustanger2001: dont worry bout that question
mustanger2001: um ..... i dont know i guess if you want to do something friday night call me on thursday so we can make arrangements
mspink_infinity: ok
mustanger2001: you talking to that other guy ?
mspink_infinity: right this second?
mustanger2001: kindve a lil triangle thang
mustanger2001: its cool
mustanger2001: i dont care
mspink_infinity: I was asking if you meant right this second?
mustanger2001: it doesnt matter
mspink_infinity: you're right
mustanger2001: if we were together then it would matter
mustanger2001: but were not so it doesnt
mspink_infinity: that's right
mustanger2001: lets put it this way im looking for commitment are you the commitment type?
mspink_infinity: yes, but I don't know if I want one with you
mspink_infinity: I don't know you well enough to answer that
mustanger2001: im not saying with me its just a general question
mustanger2001: but i do thank you for that burn
mspink_infinity: burn?
mustanger2001: Rachel: yes, but I don't know if I want one with you
mspink_infinity: I don't know you well enough to answer that
mustanger2001: its ok well like i said friday if you want to do something call me on thursday
mspink_infinity: ok
mustanger2001: good night and take care
mspink_infinity: night

Dates!!!

I had two dates this past weekend, ok well one was a real date and one was just meeting a guy.

Friday Clark/Sabo (he normally goes by Sabo but I don't know if I feel comfortable calling him that) came all the way to Lakeland from Altamonte Springs, which is an hour away. We met on Plentyoffish (pof) and only had like one IM conversation before he asked if I wanted to met. I wasn't doing anything and really needed something to get me out of my funk so I said yes and I did like his profile. So he came to Lakeland and we ate at Fridays, dinner went ok and we decided to go bowling since it was close. I was so scared that I was gonna run into Paul there on a date of his own, but luckily that didn't happen. We bowled one game and then sat in his car and talked for about an hour. It was an ok time and I went to bed in a good mood. We hadn't talked on the phone since then but he invited me over to his place today to watch a movie and cuddle. And my opinion on cuddling is, if a guy mentions cuddling in his profile or right away he's normally a desperate for attention. So I don't really see this going anywhere but at least for right now it's something.

Then Sat I met Brett in Plant City. I also met Brett off of pof, we've had a couple of IM conversations and I was in no hurry to met him but figured why not, again something to do. He lives with his parents, which I know I can't say too much because I'm currently living with my mom, but he doesn't work. Now he's in school but he goes to a Tech school for like refrigeration and has classes M-F until 2pm. He also has a past, doing lots of drugs and getting being arrested. Not really someone I'd want to bring home to mom. But we sat at a bar and then played pool for a while and I had a good time. He kept asking if I had a good time and telling me he had a good time. I know what it's like to be excited about someone but he seems to be going a little overboard. So again, I don't really see this going anywhere but at least for right now it's something.

Closure

Well, after five months of being broken up it's finally 100% over, and I got a goodbye. It was really hard and of course I cried off and on the whole day. But I feel I might finally have closure.

Updates

Exercise: I've starting jogging with my friend April and her husband. We've been taking it kinda slow but I'm ok with that. We've doing each week twice instead of just once. But I should still be about to the 5k in Feb like I want to. I've kinda cut back on the bike riding and my 8 minutes in the morning, but I will get back to them next week!

Boys: Like the last post states I've done with him. I've also hidden my profile on plentyoffish for the moment. I think I need to give myself a little more time before I try again.

Friends: Still talking to Lori, Amanda, and Eileen.

Me: I kinda feel like either I've undone everything I did in the past five months or that they just don't mean anything anymore. But maybe that's just cause of having a bad weekend or knowing that I still have lots to work on. Either way I think that feeling is going to change this coming up weekend.

Puzzles: I finally got a frame for my puzzle, but I don't have any place to hang it. I'm gonna wait til at least December to start on the next one.

Volunteering: I haven't been to the SPCA in three weeks, just haven't really felt like it. I'm on vacation this coming up Thursday til next Wednesday so I might not go this week either, but I will be back the following week.

Goodbye to you

I think I've finally come to realize that he will never change and we will never work. It truly saddens me. I really thought we were going to get back together and be stronger then ever. It has really effected me in a negative way this weekend. I had McDonald's for the first time in about two months. I had a Big Mac meal and ate the whole thing. Half of it would have been enough for me, but I ate the whole thing. Then for lunch yesterday I had two hamburgers! Even before I started eating less I wouldn't have eaten that much for lunch. And I haven't done shit this whole weekend, I don't even know if I need to do laundry or not. I've been online all day long, playing that mobsters game on myspace. The only productive thing I've done today is finish my budget on Microsoft Money. But I've decided to give myself this weekend to grieve and then starting tomorrow I was going to focus on getting my life together. Getting over him/us and moving on. I think it's ok to give myself this weekend but no more!

My dedication to him

Not word for word, but it's the closest. I hope to never offer you a beer again.

Gravel by: Ani Difranco

I heard the sound of your bike
as your wheels hit the gravel
and your engine in the driveway, cutting off
I pushed through the screen door
and I stood out on the porch
thinking fight, fight, fight, at all costs
But instead I let you in
just like I've always done
I sat you down and offered you a beer
and across the kitchen table
I fired several rounds
but you were still sitting there when the smoke cleared
You came crawling back to say
that you want to make good in the end
oh, let me count the ways that I abhore you
you were never a good lay
and you never were a good friend
but oh, what can I say, I adore you
All I need is my leather
one t-shirt and two socks
I'll keep my hands warm in your pockets
and you can use the engine blocks
we'll ride out to California
with my arms around your chest
and i'll pretend this is real
cuz this is what I like best
You've been juggling two women
like a stupid circus clown
telling us both we are the one
and maybe you can keep me
from ever being happy
but you're not going to stop me
from having fun
So let's go, before I change my mind
I'll leave the luggage of all your lies behind
cuz I am bigger than everything that came before
you were never very kind
and you let me way down every time
but oh, what can I say, I adore you

Porn and oreos

Two things I should stay away from, lol. So today after work I was gonna come home, ride my bike, then get some things done around the house. But I decided to look at some porn for a little bit first. Well that little bit turned into an hour! I still rode my bike for almost an hour then came home and didn't feel like eating anything we had in the house, so I had some oreos and milk while watching the Biggest Loser. A little funny, huh? But I only had about five of them so it's not too terrible bad, but still bad.

So what I've learned from today: I should really stay away from porn and oreos :(

I am ready

I think I'm ready to try to start dating again. I've put my profile back up on plenty of fish and this time the description is alot more detailed and I really think it will do me more good. I think it shows off the type of person I am a little better than before. And I know it shows more of the person I want to be, because I am more of the person I want to be. I don't know if it was because of the breakup or age or what but I really seem to be getting my stuff together, and it only took 25 years, lol. I finally am doing something I can be really proud of, I've lost 18 lbs by really trying to lose weight, not by something in my life changing which results in it. Sometimes it really doesn't seem like what I've done is a big deal, I look the same to me in the mirror and there are people out there who have lost over 100lbs versus my little 18. But typing out 18 and really thinking about it, I've just realized how great that really is. I can also tell when I look at pictures, I just can't believe that 18lbs would really make me look smaller, but it does! And when I get to my goal of 125lbs I will have lost almost 30lbs!!! The closer I get to it the more excited I get and the more I want to work at losing them.

National Kidney Foundation

Nov 1st I'm gonna be walking for the National Kidney Foundation around Lake Hollingsworth here in Lakeland. A woman from my work lost her husband to the disease two years ago. Her daughter also worked in my department during her breaks from college. They both are really nice and although her daughter is one of the smartest 20-year-olds out there she makes some bad decisions when it comes to her boyfriend. But some of the smartest women I know become "dumb" when it comes to boys. If you would like to help me raise some money or see how I'm doing with raising money check out the link below.

http://nkf.convio.net/goto/rachel

Crazy busy

I'm still kinda shocked at how busy I've been the past couple of weeks. I've never been the social butterfly or even close but lately I've actually had plans for like five nights out of the week, I almost don't know what to do with myself, lol. And I keep booking things. It is so good for me to be out there enjoying life. I know it's sad to say but for the first time in my life I really feel like I can say I have friends, with an "s." I've had more than one friend at a time before but never really people I hung out with on a regular basis or even semi regular basis. I've been hanging out with April alot lately, which is so good for me. It's really nice to be around someone who really thinks, and actually has conversations deeper than just what happened today. It reminds me there are better people out there and how I shouldn't settle. I've also been hanging out with Dunstan more again, but it's not as fun as it used to be. I don't know if it's me changing or him changing, but it saddens me. He has been there for me when I really needed someone and he will forever hold a place in my heart. :) Lori has been a good new addition (not edition, hehe) Its nice to hang out with someone new, gets to the blood pumping a little, plus she seems to be down with anything that I suggestive, like cooking. Amanda has been nice to chat with and text back and forth, but she lives so far away we haven't been able to meet yet. :( And I can't wait to hang out with Eileen! We're supposed to be going to a hockey game soon and I can't wait for that! She seems like someone that would be awesome to hang out with.

Puzzle finished

So it took me a whopping week to finish a 500 piece puzzle. Does that make me a nerd, or a super nerd? It was really enjoying and it's nice to see it finished. I'm planning on getting that stuff that you put over it and it keeps the whole thing together and then framing it so I can hang it up on my wall during the fall. Even though it's Florida and we don't really have a fall.

SPCA

Today was my first day volunteering at the SPCA. And it was actually kinda boring, lol. I stood around for most of the two hours I was there and when I wasn't I cleaned two cages and changed three boxes of litter. I didn't really feel like I was helping but I'm sure after being their a couple of times that it will get better. I really hate new things, I totally feel ackward and am insercue about what I'm supposed to be doing. It's so bad that the first day I worked at HR Block I cried when I was getting ready and didn't stop until I got there. I almost didn't go. But I'm really glad I did, it's some pretty good extra money and it's not a second job I hate like Hallmark was.

Week 3, Day 2

Week 3: alt 90 sec jogging, 90 sec walking, 3 min jogging, 3 min walking for 20 minutes. This is where it starts to get hard! I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do it, and I almost didn't, but in the end I did. I've noticed the 90 sec of jogging part is getting a little easier, and trying to think of ways to keep pushing myself through the 3 min jog. I think about Jillian Michaels from the Biggest Loser yelling behind me, I think about crossing the finsih line of a 5k, I think about how I'll be sending that text to a group of friends once I finish, and it does help. I also try to cheer and get excited after every minute or when I really feel like stopping. It's the old "fake it til you make it" theory and it actually works, for a few seconds at least, lol.

Puzzles!!!!

So I am a dork and like puzzles. I went to Target Sat and bought a box that had four, 500 piece puzzles in it. Each one kinda goes along with each season, so I started the "fall" one. It's of a barn of a pumpkin patch and I didn't notice until I got home but it has kitties in it, and that makes me happy, hehe. My nephew wanted to help me so badly, he kept asking where each piece fit and then tried to put any piece in an empty spot. Then he wanted me to stop working on it since he was leaving, lol. Here's what I've done so far:

Bike riding

Bike riding with Lori in Citrus Park. I know you can't see the bikes, but trust me they were there.

Windows down, Radio up

Driving around with the windows down and the radio up, with my non-gay "gay best friend", Dunstan. One of the best people I know to hang out with like that :) Also the artist who did my smiley face tattoo!

I still kick ass!!!

Week 2, Day 1: alternating 1 1/2 minutes of jogging with 2 minutes of walking.

Today started week 2 in my jogging training program and it kicked my ass! I was doing pretty good with the 1 minute of jogging but the minute and a half was really hard, I almost didn't think I was gonna be able to do it each. But I did and it felt really really good. Just thinking about how I can go from barely being able to jog 1 minute without stopping to jogging a 5k just feels awesome. I am really pround of myself for keeping up with it like I have. At times it felt really weird, like after the first minute of jogging it almost felt kinda like I wasn't apart of my body anymore and that it just kept going on it's own, like it knew if I really had control over it that I would stop and not do the last 30 seconds. My schedule is so busy that I won't be able to jog again until Friday, but I'm gonna try to get lots of walking inbetween.

=====================================

I talked to a guy on yahoo tonight that I met off of plentyoffish.com (POF) and have since deleted him off my buddy list. Within five minutes of talking he wanted to met and he kept talking about cuddling. When I asked if he really liked to cuddle he said yes, that it ties in with sex. Now why would you say that to a woman unless you just want sex from her? I try to stay away from guys who really talk about wanting to cuddle, they seem to be needy. Don't get me wrong, not that I don't want a guy who likes to cuddle, because I LOVE to cuddle, but do you really need to keep talking about it? Or even mention it at all? When trying to get to know someone I'm not gonna even factor that in, that is something for after I get comfortable with him.

Adventures in cooking

I cooked tonight! Something I don't do very often. But I'm trying really hard not to eat out that much so it's something I really have to start doing more often. The meal was steak, mushrooms, and brown rice. The rice was boil-in-a-bag so that was easy, the mushrooms I cooked on the stove with olive oil, and the steak I broiled in the oven. The rice turned out as good as brown rice can, lol. The steak was just ok, I'm not sure why I even tried to cook it, I think it's something left to pros. But the mushrooms actually turned out pretty good, I was rather proud of that. I've tried cooking them before and they always come out just ok. But I now have a full belly, :)

I feel awesome!!!

Earlier I did my first 20 min workout of alternating 60 seconds of jogging and one and a half minutes of walking without stopping or slowing down. It felt so awesome!!! If I keep up on the program I'm doing I'll be on track to do the 5k in Feb. It is going to feel so awesome when I do that. When I exericse like that I can really tell a difference in my mood afterwards. I was feeling a tiny bit down, thinking about stuff that I shouldn't, but once I was done the feelings were gone!!!

It's time for me!!!

It's time to work on me. It's been three and a half months since Paul and I broke up and while I have worked on a few things I'm nowhere close to where I want to be. I've lost about 15lbs since then but I'd like to lose about 15 more, and I think I can do it. I'm doing pretty good on my eating and I'm trying with my exercising. I've started doing the "8 Minutes In the Morning" strength training and so far I've been doing pretty good with it. It's not the same boring 20 minutes 3x a week, so I think I can keep up with it. Then there's my jogging, I would like to be able to do the Gasparilla 5k in Feb. I started the training going pretty good but have been kinda lacks lately. I think part of the problems is trying to jog when the weather is so warm, so I'm gonna try to do more later in the evening.

The next thing I want to work on is volunteering more. My friend April and I are going to start doing Habitat for Humanity on Sat mornings from 8-12 and tonight I'm going to a volunteer information session with the local SPCA. I've been reading a book on Buddhism and part of what I've really liked in the reading is the importance of giving to others, including animals. I've always felt you should help others and have done volunteer work before but nothing in a long time. I really feel that once I start doing these things I will start to feel better and better things will happen to me. I also plan on giving $20/month to charity. Again something I've done before but haven't in a long time. Last month I gave to AIDS Walk St. Pete because the boyfriend of Taylor from the Podcast, "Pod is My Copilot" was trying to raise money for it. I think I'm gonna start asking Podcasts that I listen to choose the charity and challenge their other listeners to donation also. I don't know if that will actually get other people to donate money but it might.

Busch Gardens

Lori, me, and a green Lion

Lori (before she fixed my camera)

Me (after Lori fixed my camera)

Fun with effects

Ale Gators

Breakfast on the porch

July 14th, 2008

Glasses

July 9th, 2008

Me not smiling, at work.
My $0.90 water. The water was turned off in our building and I was really thristy, I wasn't very happy that I had to buy it when I could get some for free! <- my favorite word
Me, working.

July 8th, 2008

Checking out the HR Block schedule of classes while at work.

My eyeballs still hurt so glasses again!

July 7th, 2008

My desk at work.
On the way to my brother-in-law's softball game. My eyeballs were hurting so I took my contacts out. :(

July 6th, 2008

The first picture taken with my new digital camera! The waitor at Outback had to open the batteries for me.

My view of myself after having dinner with him.

July 5th, 2008

Window shopping alone (with the sun in my eyes) while listening to QCastCT podcast, in Daytona Beach. I was there with my dad and stepmom for the weekend but spent plenty of time alone. I even spent $85 and got an hour long massage!

The view from my 12th floor room.

July 4th, 2008

At the Wyndham Vaction Resort in Daytona Beach, watching TV and missing him.